Over the years, Bethany and I have attended many dinner parties. Some have been casual with friends, and some have been formal. Yet none have been as formal and behaviorally complex as some of the dinners we’ve experienced in China. The thing we’ve come to realize is that a culture as rich and old as the Chinese culture is, the traditions associated with formalities have become quite elaborate, especially for someone growing up in Casual America. The formalities of the Chinese culture are often so elaborate and important that it can be nearly impossible for a Westerner to establish business here if they don’t understand the intricacies of it!

Appreciation

When someone with power does something for you – helps you work through the red tape of setting up your business, helps establish contacts for selling goods, performs a service for you, etc etc – it’s expected that you show appreciation for this action. However, a simple “Thank you.” or a card will simply not due here. At the very least, a gift is in order for the individual/organization. More common though, you’ll host a dinner for the individual, or a group of individuals.

Recently, a local business hired the local TV station to create a commercial for them. Through our Foreign Affairs Officer, I was asked to participate in the commercial – what a really neat experience! After the filming, a dinner took place by the company to thank the crew and station for the commercial that they were paid to do. The Vice President of the TV station attended this dinner! Man, was the dinner good, too – after all, you don’t want to insult your guests with a mediocre meal!

Dinners

All formal dinners occur at round tables, never rectangular. Most round tables can seat between 10 and 30 people. We’re talking BIG round tables! Do they take up more space, absolutely! But it’s not about efficiency, it’s about presentation. You present to your guests the best possible meal you can, and that starts with a big table everyone can be at.

Dinners in China start with the seating. The host will likely instruct you where to sit, with the most important person at the meal sitting in a position that directly faces the door, so as to see each guest that enters. The host will likely sit to the right of the Guest of Honor.

In the West, you often are served meals in an individual manner – food is served to you on a plate designated for you. This is not true in the Chinese culture. Food is served on plates and bowls that are placed in the center of the table. This table center piece spins like a “lazy Susan” kind of fashion, so as all food can be in arms reach of every guest. As the center slowly spins round, you have the chance to pick up the food you desire.

Toasts

One thing that I find very interesting is how big a deal alcohol and toasting are to the Chinese culture. I have experienced more toasts in one Chinese meal than I’ve experienced my entire life COMBINED in America. The more important the meal is, the more alcohol and the more toasting will take place. If it’s a smaller meal among friends or normal colleagues, there likely won’t be as much toasting or drinking. If it’s a business meal among partners, there will be a ton of drinking and toasting!

During the latter, everyone will at some point toast to the host. Many will also toast to the guest of honor if they feel they have some kind of connection with them. This is very important for a guest to show they are pleased and honored to be a guest. The host will often toast with the guest of honor many times during the meal as well. As a result, it is common to leave such an event highly intoxicated. This is actually preferred, as it shows the host you had a good time. So there will likely be one or two individuals at the meal who are designated drivers, and are socially permitted to toast with tea instead.

Networking

Unlike in the States where business cards are only worth the email address and phone number printed on them, business cards in China are prized possession. To receive someone’s business card means that you now networked with that individual. You are welcome to contact them for assistance, or to invite them to YOUR gathering. As a result, you take a business card with both hands as a way to show the host you value the importance of it. This can be a huge step for many people as networking is absolutely crucial to success in China.

This kind of networking is essential to form a strong business. If you want to expand your company to a new city, you’ll need to gain the approval of local authorities just to open shop there – likely through such dinners described above. If you don’t have their approval, they won’t even let you purchase the facilities, let alone open the doors! So, finding favor with important people already in that region is essential to creating success. Having a business associate that can help you through the bureaucratic red tape due to already having presence in the desired area can be a huge step in expanding and finding favor with the local officials.

You want to move up socially to a better job? You’ll need to network with – and gain favor with – people who have the power to help you get those jobs! These jobs don’t go to just anyone who meets the qualifications. This kind of networking often starts with family and classmates. Unlike in the States, your college classmates are people you typically stay in contact with the rest of your life. Families and classmates realize that they are essential to creating success. In this society you won’t be able to move up without relying on them, which is quite different from the West were you are almost completely responsible for your own success.

The reliance this requires often creates a very close-knit society. It also gives you incentive to continue to do well, as your success will likely make others around you look good or bad. If you continue to do well, then you can also continue to count on others who are doing well to give you a boost. Everyone helps everyone else.

Sure, it’s self-motivated helping. But don’t be too quick to place your cultural views upon this society. The culture in China is very different, but it’s not exclusive. It’s simply a way that they take care of family and friends. It very well might make it harder for non-connected people to rise up, but it’s certainly not impossible. There are people who rise up every day. Business people love to meet new individuals, especially those who are willing to work hard, because you never know where a new connection might take you! It’s a formality that encourages the sharing of success.

Closing Remarks

Some of these formalities may seem like “just showing off,” which very well might be true. It’s the West, however, that views “showing off” as a negative thing. Here, it is a sign of hospitality; a sign that I’m trying to give you and show you the best I have to offer. It’s certainly different, but not bad. The difference between “hospitality” and “arrogance” is often only in the cultural perception. In the States, we focus on making our guests “comfortable.” In China, they often focus on making their guests “important.” The differences aren’t wrong, just… different.

It’s through these differences that we begin to more fully understand how to relate to the various cultures. These experiences continue to separate the “good” and “bad” from the “different,” which is vital if we want to relate to those around us. We are constantly reminded throughout our time here that Christ’s love is not bound by cultural preferences, but only by our ability to show it. As we further understand the formalities of China, we create within ourselves new ways to serve and show Christ’s love to the people God has brought us to.

An intricate of every society is the family, and China is no different. The family plays an important role in the life of every Chinese citizen. However, the way in which those roles are lived out can be quite different from that of the West. The Chinese recognize this, as well, and often have a difficult time understanding how these roles translate back and forth. As a result, they even have negative stereotypes about our family structure. Although our structures are a little different, it doesn’t change the fact that both societies have a strong love of family.

Background

There are few infrastructures that are more important to the Chinese than the family. This society has a long tradition dating back to Confucius. The well being and strength of the family shows the society how good and moral you were. It shows how good of a citizen you are. Fulfilling the roles in the family shows honor. As a result, it’s the centerpiece of the society itself!

Early Childhood

From a very early age, you are surrounded by many people in your life that take care of you. However, the mother and father are not always as involved in the child’s life as they are in the West. Sure, they are there and certainly take care of the child, but their main role in a Chinese family at this point is to work hard, makes lots of money, and save Save SAVE! As a result, the grandparents often take an important role in the raising and teaching of young children.

Often times, the father’s mother will move close, or move in, to show the wife how to raise the child and assist with most of the daily tasks. Since families often start much later here than in the West, the grandparents are typically retired when the baby comes along. The high involvement in raising the grandchild is typically seen as a great joy.

A side note here: Diapers don’t exist in China in pretty much any way, shape, or form. It is considered a great part of intimacy for a mother to KNOW when her child needs to potty at the earliest of age, and help them do so. Thus, nearly all young children’s clothing have split-bottoms in them for quick access. It’s common to walk down the sidewalk and see a child doing their duty right there on the side of the road, on the steps, or in the middle of the sidewalk itself, with the mother or grandmother holding them, or waiting patiently right next to them.

Childhood/School

Just as in the West, education is highly valued by all. As such, children are put into “kindergarten” (the equivalent of the US Preschool) as early as possible, assuming you have the money to do so. Many children will spend two to three years in these “kindergartens” learning the basics – including the basics of English – before starting Primary School. Just like in the US, these early childhood schools are private institutions and can cost quite a bit of money. Typically, the child will be here from about 7:30am until lunch break around 11:30pm, and then come back after lunch around 2pm until 5pm.

Primary school is quite similar to kindergarten in its structure, although many students are sent away to other cities for primary school. Big cities are often equated with bigger and better schools for children as those schools can pay for better teachers. Wealthy families will buy a second home in a big city, while other students will live with a relative in said big city to attend the better schools. That doesn’t mean that there are no good schools in small cities, but it does mean that the education system is EXTREMELY competitive.

Education treasured above almost all else in families, and they’ll do nearly ANYTHING to ensure their child gets the BEST education possible. It’s common for students to spend all day in their courses, and then have private tutoring sessions in the evening. Unlike in the States, private tutoring is not reserved for students who need to be “caught up,” but instead is a very pricey session to help your child get and stay ahead of everyone else. Much of the time out of the classroom – holidays included – are spent with private tutors. From a western perspective, Bethany and I often worry that the children aren’t given time to be children, but we try not to let our cultural bias color the situation.

Junior and Senior High school is very different than in the States, as it is at this age that the children will move into dorms on the school campus. It looks much the same way colleges are run, but with more students sleeping in larger rooms – usually 4-6 students in a room. For the most part, the students are on their own. It’s quite common to see children take the buses and taxis, shop, and eat out without any adults around.

Much of this is due to the fact that students from the countryside villages will also be coming into the nearest cities for this level of education, so they stretch the dorm settings to all students. Typically junior and senior high are seen as one combined level of schooling – “Middle School” – as it’s expected and desired that all students will go to college, even though many won’t.

Many students will still visit their families on the weekends, but for the most part, they are basically living on their own at this point. The family gives them money to live on, and the teachers and other staff keep an eye on them. Studies are still rigorous with some courses taking place as 6pm, 7pm, or even 8pm, although these late courses aren’t as common.

College

The life of a college student doesn’t seem to be too different from that of a Jr/Sr High school student. There is still a heavy reliance on parents for financial support, and lots of studying. Most students are even restricted from holding jobs while in College. Curfews are still in effect at this point as well.

It’s usually in College that students actually start dating. Before this point, it’s typically taboo, and even forbidden in some cases. In the past, most women are very careful about who they date, ensuring that the man comes from equal or higher socioeconomic background. This feeling is changing a little, but it’s still important.

Post-College

Up until now, the parents have been supporting the child financially through school, but it doesn’t stop there. Many parents have still been trying to save up money to help their child get a good job. Although it’s not really talked about much, it’s still pretty common to pay an employer to hire your child.

If your child is a son, then you’ll also want to help them buy a flat shortly after college. This is very important for them to find a wife. Women in China want a man that has a purchased home and will make lots of money, so this is vital if you want your son to find a wife in a country where single girls can be a little more scarce in some areas of the country than others.

Adulthood

Most people get married around the ages of 28 to 30, a bit later than most people in Kentucky. There typically isn’t anyone getting married after this point, as everyone wants to be married as quickly as possible by this point. Our friend recently summed it up pretty well for us: “If you reach 35 and can’t find the right person, then find the wrong person! Just get married!”

Married couples typically attempt to have their one child – or first child if they are in a minority group as minority groups are not as heavily subjected to the “One Child Policy” – pretty early on in their marriage, just like in any country. It’s been tradition for the husband’s mother to move in at this point and help out around the house, especially with raising the new child and teaching the young wife how to manage the house. However, this is changing in China as the younger generations are becoming more independent. Nowadays, the husband’s mother will get an apartment very close by the young married couple so as to be readily available when needed.

There are currently two differing views regarding the family in China. The first view says the parents need to work as much as humanly possible to make as much money as possible to provide for the family. The grandparent(s) will therefore take a large amount of the responsibility in raising the child.

The second view says that working hard is good, but you need to spend time with your child as well. Sometimes these two views can be found in conflict in the same home. I personally support the latter, but I also understand the reasoning for the former as it takes so much to raise a child in this country.

During the holidays, it is important that the couple visits the husband’s parents for several days. If the holiday is long enough, and/or the wife’s parents are close enough, then they will also visit the wife’s parents for a few days as well, but it’s typically not as common. The latter is relatively new to the society, and seen as a luxuary.

Stereotypes on Americans

As we have learned about the differences in families, we have also learned about various stereotypes that exist in China towards Americans. One of the big ones is that we don’t love our elderly due to the large number that are in nursing homes. You see, as grandparents get older in China, it’s often expected that their child will take care of them. Sometimes, this means moving in with the child and spouse. Sometimes this means hiring a nurse to stay with the grandparent in their home by day. The concept of the western nursing home is often viewed as cruel and neglectful by the Chinese.

Many also believe that Western grandparents don’t love their grandchildren because they won’t quit their jobs to take care of the grandchildren full-time. It’s interesting, and difficult to explain this cultural difference in a way they understand.

The Chinese also misunderstand the American teenage desire for independence as lack of care of our children. The fact that so many are on our own by the age of 18 is completely… “foreign” to them, as children here are relying on their parents through their 20s. The parents in China typically take great joy in caring for their children through these early years of adulthood to ensure a secure future. After all, your children are your retirement!

While the traditional view of family is still dominant in China, Western influence of independence has begun to have a great impact on the society here. I don’t see many of the family traditions fading away for several centuries, but the impact is still visible. We see much of the younger generations taking on more independent roles in their own small ways. It’ll be interesting to see how these changes begin to shape China’s future!

Tag Archives: family

Cultural Differences – Part 5 Formalities