On my first day in JiNing, I sat on my couch and talked with my fellow teacher Leslie about all of the tasks that lay before me: adjusting to a new culture, unpacking into my new apartment, teaching, and worst of all- being without my husband for another month. Even though there was much to do, the Lord had filled my heart with so much hope and joy. I was doing what he had been calling me to do for ten years and the joy of fulfilling his will was supplying my heart with enough hope to keep going. On that first day God reminded me that my hope was founded in the right place- he gave me this beautiful sunny day rainbow which to me was a promise that he was with me and that I was truly following his will. It felt like the embodiment of the hope I had for my future in 
China.
While life was busy, training in August and getting settled in JiNing, the lacking presence of my husband was easier to deal with than I had thought. I longed for him to be with me, but I understood that I was making a new life for us and it helped me be focus and strong. Particularly because everything I was doing was for US and it made me feel like my husband was still apart of my life.
Sadly, the feeling and strength didn’t last. As things settled down in JiNing and basic needs had been met, I had more time to think. I had more time to think about how horrible of a teacher I am. I had time to think about how much heavier and more giant like I am compared to Chinese women. I even had time to think about coming back in the next few years and finding that all of my friends had moved on without me and that some of the friendships that I cherished would be gone or less deep than they had been. I didn’t need the devil whispering in my ear for me to fall away for the joy that God had given me. My own self doubt had proved worthy of that task and in the midst of my doubt my sense of loneliness also grew. I missed my husband terribly. I felt the same way I did the day I got lost in the rain storm when I was 5 years old- lost in the dark with the weight of a storm bearing down on me and no one to help me find my way out of it. I blamed all of this on the lack of husband in my life. I wanted him to pull me close and tell me it was going to be okay, that I was beautiful, and that with time everything would fall into place. He’s been doing this for me for so long; I had forgotten how much I relied on him.
I tried to endure. I told myself that I wouldn’t cry, that I wouldn’t think about how lonely I am, I would just keep going. I focused on the positive things in my life, like my blossoming friendship with Sarah, my time with students, and the new things I was discovering all over town. I poured myself into these things, trying to keep my mind busy. Still, it wasn’t enough. When I discovered that I would not be getting my husband back at the beginning of October, like a rubber band that had been stretched to far, I snapped. I laid in bed for days, unwilling to keep pretending that I was making a life for a husband that wasn’t coming for several weeks. I couldn’t put on a happy face and just keep going. I was done with it. I threw fits and was overwhelmed with moments of anger, yes anger, and despair. I went to school, I taught class, and then I went home. That was all I wanted to do.
Then one day, a deep chilly and windy rain came into town. I didn’t have anything buy a jacket at the time and I braved my way through it to school in that morning. It made my misery seem more miserable and in someway trudging through it made me feel right at home. I taught class to students who seemed like they would rather be in bed and then I began my journey home. As I stepped out into the cold and wind, the sun had decided to peak through the clouds and graced me with a moment of warmth. And though I was still standing in the pouring rain, I stopped to look up at the rainbow that had formed in the glimmering light of the sun. My heart both sank and sang at it sight. How had I forgotten the rainbow that God had given me on that first day I was in JiNing and all the hope it had carried with it. As I peered up at the rainbow, thinking about what it had meant to me, a small voice in the back of my head thought, you can’t have rainbows without rain.
God is the sun, he is the light in my life, but sometimes that is easy to forget when everyday seems bright and cheerful. It’s only in the rain that we can see the full depth of his love and promise for us, its only in the rain that we can have rainbows. For me it seemed like it had been raining for nearly a month and I new that there was more rain ahead, but in the midst of all that rain I had forgotten that God was still with me, hiding just behind the clouds. He has given me a rainbow on my first day in JiNing to tell me that he was with me and he had given me another one to remind me that he never left.
I laid in bed that day with a big smile on my face, still my heart was heavy, because I had forgotten who it was that my life was suppose to be centered around. For years I have let other things in my life, my husband and my ability to serve others, become part of my focus and foundation. Certainly I didn’t forget about God or lack a desire to do his will, but still by all practicality I hadn’t let him and him alone be the foundation of my strength. It was only because of this that I had let myself into such sorrow over the absence of my husband. Laying there I decided I wasn’t going to be sad anymore, I would let God be my strength and put my hope in him once more. With every frustrating delay, with every bad school day, and with every cultural mishap I wasn’t going to let myself worry. I would simply trust in God.
The past few weeks since then have been amazing for me. There have been lots of things I could have been upset about, but instead I’ve laughed and said oh well. There have been times where I could have been stubborn or thought about missing my home, but instead I’ve embraced the moment. God brought me here; he’s given me all of these things because he knows what is best for me- why fret, instead I’m just going to enjoy the ride with God at my center.
This week, God has brought my husband and I back together. I’m so excited about what he has planned for us inChina. I feel more centered and stronger than I have in a long time- and it’s not my husbands or my doing.
Thank you Lord for the good and the hard times, for every and anything that brings me closer to you.
