Cultural Differences – Part 4 Family

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Bob

An intricate of every society is the family, and China is no different. The family plays an important role in the life of every Chinese citizen. However, the way in which those roles are lived out can be quite different from that of the West. The Chinese recognize this, as well, and often have a difficult time understanding how these roles translate back and forth. As a result, they even have negative stereotypes about our family structure. Although our structures are a little different, it doesn’t change the fact that both societies have a strong love of family.

Background

There are few infrastructures that are more important to the Chinese than the family. This society has a long tradition dating back to Confucius. The well being and strength of the family shows the society how good and moral you were. It shows how good of a citizen you are. Fulfilling the roles in the family shows honor. As a result, it’s the centerpiece of the society itself!

Early Childhood

From a very early age, you are surrounded by many people in your life that take care of you. However, the mother and father are not always as involved in the child’s life as they are in the West. Sure, they are there and certainly take care of the child, but their main role in a Chinese family at this point is to work hard, makes lots of money, and save Save SAVE! As a result, the grandparents often take an important role in the raising and teaching of young children.

Often times, the father’s mother will move close, or move in, to show the wife how to raise the child and assist with most of the daily tasks. Since families often start much later here than in the West, the grandparents are typically retired when the baby comes along. The high involvement in raising the grandchild is typically seen as a great joy.

A side note here: Diapers don’t exist in China in pretty much any way, shape, or form. It is considered a great part of intimacy for a mother to KNOW when her child needs to potty at the earliest of age, and help them do so. Thus, nearly all young children’s clothing have split-bottoms in them for quick access. It’s common to walk down the sidewalk and see a child doing their duty right there on the side of the road, on the steps, or in the middle of the sidewalk itself, with the mother or grandmother holding them, or waiting patiently right next to them.

Childhood/School

Just as in the West, education is highly valued by all. As such, children are put into “kindergarten” (the equivalent of the US Preschool) as early as possible, assuming you have the money to do so. Many children will spend two to three years in these “kindergartens” learning the basics – including the basics of English – before starting Primary School. Just like in the US, these early childhood schools are private institutions and can cost quite a bit of money. Typically, the child will be here from about 7:30am until lunch break around 11:30pm, and then come back after lunch around 2pm until 5pm.

Primary school is quite similar to kindergarten in its structure, although many students are sent away to other cities for primary school. Big cities are often equated with bigger and better schools for children as those schools can pay for better teachers. Wealthy families will buy a second home in a big city, while other students will live with a relative in said big city to attend the better schools. That doesn’t mean that there are no good schools in small cities, but it does mean that the education system is EXTREMELY competitive.

Education treasured above almost all else in families, and they’ll do nearly ANYTHING to ensure their child gets the BEST education possible. It’s common for students to spend all day in their courses, and then have private tutoring sessions in the evening. Unlike in the States, private tutoring is not reserved for students who need to be “caught up,” but instead is a very pricey session to help your child get and stay ahead of everyone else. Much of the time out of the classroom – holidays included – are spent with private tutors. From a western perspective, Bethany and I often worry that the children aren’t given time to be children, but we try not to let our cultural bias color the situation.

Junior and Senior High school is very different than in the States, as it is at this age that the children will move into dorms on the school campus. It looks much the same way colleges are run, but with more students sleeping in larger rooms – usually 4-6 students in a room. For the most part, the students are on their own. It’s quite common to see children take the buses and taxis, shop, and eat out without any adults around.

Much of this is due to the fact that students from the countryside villages will also be coming into the nearest cities for this level of education, so they stretch the dorm settings to all students. Typically junior and senior high are seen as one combined level of schooling – “Middle School” – as it’s expected and desired that all students will go to college, even though many won’t.

Many students will still visit their families on the weekends, but for the most part, they are basically living on their own at this point. The family gives them money to live on, and the teachers and other staff keep an eye on them. Studies are still rigorous with some courses taking place as 6pm, 7pm, or even 8pm, although these late courses aren’t as common.

College

The life of a college student doesn’t seem to be too different from that of a Jr/Sr High school student. There is still a heavy reliance on parents for financial support, and lots of studying. Most students are even restricted from holding jobs while in College. Curfews are still in effect at this point as well.

It’s usually in College that students actually start dating. Before this point, it’s typically taboo, and even forbidden in some cases. In the past, most women are very careful about who they date, ensuring that the man comes from equal or higher socioeconomic background. This feeling is changing a little, but it’s still important.

Post-College

Up until now, the parents have been supporting the child financially through school, but it doesn’t stop there. Many parents have still been trying to save up money to help their child get a good job. Although it’s not really talked about much, it’s still pretty common to pay an employer to hire your child.

If your child is a son, then you’ll also want to help them buy a flat shortly after college. This is very important for them to find a wife. Women in China want a man that has a purchased home and will make lots of money, so this is vital if you want your son to find a wife in a country where single girls can be a little more scarce in some areas of the country than others.

Adulthood

Most people get married around the ages of 28 to 30, a bit later than most people in Kentucky. There typically isn’t anyone getting married after this point, as everyone wants to be married as quickly as possible by this point. Our friend recently summed it up pretty well for us: “If you reach 35 and can’t find the right person, then find the wrong person! Just get married!”

Married couples typically attempt to have their one child – or first child if they are in a minority group as minority groups are not as heavily subjected to the “One Child Policy” – pretty early on in their marriage, just like in any country. It’s been tradition for the husband’s mother to move in at this point and help out around the house, especially with raising the new child and teaching the young wife how to manage the house. However, this is changing in China as the younger generations are becoming more independent. Nowadays, the husband’s mother will get an apartment very close by the young married couple so as to be readily available when needed.

There are currently two differing views regarding the family in China. The first view says the parents need to work as much as humanly possible to make as much money as possible to provide for the family. The grandparent(s) will therefore take a large amount of the responsibility in raising the child.

The second view says that working hard is good, but you need to spend time with your child as well. Sometimes these two views can be found in conflict in the same home. I personally support the latter, but I also understand the reasoning for the former as it takes so much to raise a child in this country.

During the holidays, it is important that the couple visits the husband’s parents for several days. If the holiday is long enough, and/or the wife’s parents are close enough, then they will also visit the wife’s parents for a few days as well, but it’s typically not as common. The latter is relatively new to the society, and seen as a luxuary.

Stereotypes on Americans

As we have learned about the differences in families, we have also learned about various stereotypes that exist in China towards Americans. One of the big ones is that we don’t love our elderly due to the large number that are in nursing homes. You see, as grandparents get older in China, it’s often expected that their child will take care of them. Sometimes, this means moving in with the child and spouse. Sometimes this means hiring a nurse to stay with the grandparent in their home by day. The concept of the western nursing home is often viewed as cruel and neglectful by the Chinese.

Many also believe that Western grandparents don’t love their grandchildren because they won’t quit their jobs to take care of the grandchildren full-time. It’s interesting, and difficult to explain this cultural difference in a way they understand.

The Chinese also misunderstand the American teenage desire for independence as lack of care of our children. The fact that so many are on our own by the age of 18 is completely… “foreign” to them, as children here are relying on their parents through their 20s. The parents in China typically take great joy in caring for their children through these early years of adulthood to ensure a secure future. After all, your children are your retirement!

While the traditional view of family is still dominant in China, Western influence of independence has begun to have a great impact on the society here. I don’t see many of the family traditions fading away for several centuries, but the impact is still visible. We see much of the younger generations taking on more independent roles in their own small ways. It’ll be interesting to see how these changes begin to shape China’s future!

Cultural Differences – Part 3 – Social Behaviors

Posted on August 7, 2013 by Bob

Behavior in public is often the first impression that a society gives to the rest of the world about it’s people. The People in France are often viewed as romantic, but rude. From the European perspective, Americans are often viewed as fake due to our constant, “Have a nice day!” conversation ending pleasantries that have no real value. (“Oh, I was planning to have an awful day, but now that you told me to, I guess I will have a nice one instead.”)

China is no different in this regard. There are behaviors that often stereotype the people and who they are. Now, I want to be careful with this post. I want to make sure that what is said here isn’t taken the wrong way. Many times when we see things that see so bizarre to us, or so opposite, we simply write the action off as “wrong,” “rude,” or “bad.” My goal is to ensure this post does NOT relay these ideas about China.

Suppose I went to a country with tribal people where everyone walked around without any clothing on the upper half of their body – men and women alike. Although it would not be acceptable in a Western culture, it wouldn’t make those people “bad” or “wrong” to live this way – merely different. Very, very different. I’m not trying equate the behaviors of our small, country city in China to an unreached tribe (although many Chinese from big cities might say that I should), I’m simply trying to point out that different cultural behaviors – no matter how extreme they might seem – are not necessarily wrong, even if we wouldn’t accept them in the West.

Also keep in mind that much of social behaviors I witness come from my small city. In many ways, this city is as different from Beijing and other big cities as the “country folk” are different from the “urbanites” in America. (Maybe that’s why we love this city so much!) So the following behaviors, although likely present in other big cities, are not necessarily a reflection of China as a whole. Many of the big cities have already made great strides to change some of these behaviors.

Spitting

One of the behaviors that really caught me off guard when I came to China was how the people believe that removing of spit from your body as soon as possible is viewed as healthy. As a result, spitting is very common in public. Now, when I say “spitting,” I don’t mean a quiet-remove-it-from-your-mouth kind of spit. I mean a loud-pull-it-from-the-back-of-your-throat-and-honk-a-big-lugy kind of spit. It happens all over, especially from older men. Location doesn’t matter too much, but indoors does seem to be less common. To be honest, it makes me cringe every time I hear it, but it’s simply a cultural difference that won’t change any time soon. The younger men don’t seem to do this as much, but maybe they don’t have as much to get rid of from their system like the older men do.

So how do you handle this? 1) When you hear it coming, don’t watch. 2) Always watch where you’re stepping. 3) NEVER, whenever possible, step in an area where it’s wet on the sidewalk. If it wasn’t spit, it might be other liquid waste (from a nearby local business, or from somewhere else you don’t want to know about).

Smoking

It’s interesting to me how common it is for men to smoke in China. It kinda reminds me of the 1950’s or 60’s in that regard. I’d guess that about 80-90% of all men smoke in our city. It’s so common place, and very hard to avoid – on the street, bus, in the office, in restaurants, other places you can’t avoid it…. Frustrating? Yes. This seems a little less common in bigger cities.

Not only that, but it seems almost taboo for women to smoke. After being here for nearly a year, I’ve seen less than 5 women smoking in public, and two of those were on short visits to a big city nearby, as if this idea were to be changing among women there! Will smoking become taboo in the coming generations, much the way it is becoming in the U.S.? If the students at the College are any representation of that, then I say, “No. Not for a long time.”

Driving

I’ve spoken about driving in china once a long while back in an earlier post. The thing about driving is that it’s all about expectations. If you EXPECT people to keep their lane, drive in a straight line, or use their turn signals, then you become completely caught off guard when it doesn’t happen, and accidents occur. However, if you EXPECT to be cut off, people to pull out in front of you, or for there to be 4 cars side-by-side on a 3 lane road, then it doesn’t surprise you at all when those things occur. You can be ready for them. You see it happen before it happens. You’re looking for it, even.

The latter is very much how things are in China. It might come as a great surprise to many of you that this works VERY WELL in China. After being here for almost one year, I probably see one accident a month. Most of those accidents tend to involve large vehicles hitting small motor bikes. Not bad for a city with nearly 50% more people in it than Lexington, KY crammed in about half the space.

One thing to remember, though, is that people with cars typically believe that they ALWAYS have the right away. They won’t stop for you. They likely will hit you. Don’t tempt them. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a car, on a bike, or on foot. Don’t tempt them. If it’s a bus that’s coming, you BETTER move. They know they are bigger than all other vehicles, and they use it to their advantage. But, then again, there are special rules about bus driving – the city gives them special privileges to ensure they stay on time for their routes. So maybe it isn’t “taking advantage” of the situation. Either way, they aren’t stopping!

Honking

I’m not sure what it is about the Chinese and their car horns, but they love to honk them. Maybe it’s some inner desire for attention. Maybe they see the car horn the same way we see people standing outside singing Christmas Carols. Maybe they want their friends in the other cars to notice them. (They must have a LOT of friends!) Maybe there’s some sort of secret horn orchestra that takes place that we don’t know about. Whatever the case might be, the Chinese love to honk their car horns, no matter what time of day or night it might be.

In all honesty, most of the time it seems to be a way of saying, “Hey! I’m here! You better move!” to those walking along the street, or the cars around them. Sometimes it seems pretty pointless. “I’m walking on the sidewalk. There’s no one else around. Why are you honking?”

If you, however, are driving and at a stop light, it turns green, and you don’t go right then and there… You might as well have committed a heinous crime. You won’t get a friendly, half second, “beep” from the car behind you. Oh no. You’ll get a 10 second long chorus of honks from the next 3-7 cars behind you! Don’t you DARE not go as soon as that light is green! And don’t you DARE hold up traffic in any way!

Queuing

This seems hard for many in the West to understand, but the art of waiting in line is not something that comes naturally or easily to China. In fact this situation was so bad, that from February 11, 2007 till the start of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, every 11th day of the month was declared a National Queuing Day by the government. On this day, people were suppose to practice waiting in lines for the bus, checking out at the grocery store, and many other things that require one-at-a-time cooperation. It’s something that seems quite odd, but the government realized that this cultural difference would cause serious problems with the expectations of the rest of the world as all eyes shifted to Beijing in 2008.

The Olympics were 5 years ago, and I wasn’t here to see the “before” situation. What I have seen in the “after” is a culture where queuing is still, at the very least, not preferred. When you go to the bank or to buy tickets at the train station, there will likely be a very narrow lanes setup with a waist high turn style at the end that ensures only one person can be in front of the window at a time to do business. Getting on the bus is likely to look like a glob of people funneling in, not a line. I’m sure things are better than they were, but culture doesn’t change easily.

Last fall, when I was flying to China for the first time, I had a short layover in Toronto. From there, it was a direct flight on a 777 into Beijing. As the plane started boarding, they only wanted to board certain rows first in an effort to be efficient and orderly. Well, despite the broadcast of the request in English, French, and Chinese, the Chinese passengers could care less, and tried to force their way onto the plane as a mob. I felt sorry for the attendant who was trying to check tickets, and had to tell 14 out of every 15 people to “Stand aside! Your row isn’t being boarded yet!” Undoubtedly, the mass majority of the people who had to “stand aside” were Chinese. As time passed, those standing aside slowly began inching their way back closer and closer to the entry gate until they were yelled at once again.

Has this issue changed in China? I’m sure it has. I’m sure it’s better than it was in February 2007. Yet, keep in mind, that the previous story was October 2012! Does this make them “bad” people? No, not in the least. Just a very different cultural behavior that is often viewed negatively by much of the rest of the world. Is it “wrong”? That depends on where you are. In China, it’s not wrong at all. The lack of queuing is a way of life. It’s also something the government has recognized and has tried, to some degree, to address.

Let me reiterate here that these are not meant to be derogatory remarks regarding China. We truly do love the people here. Yet, sometimes cultural differences can be quite challenging to overcome and adjust to. This is certainly true for differences listed here today. It doesn’t make the people “evil,” “backwards,” or “ignorant.” It’s simply a different way of life. And it creates some really neat discussions!