The Real Problem With Judging

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Over the past few months, I’ve noticed the topic of judging seems to keep coming up. Maybe it’s just an observational bias – I’ve been thinking about the topic quite a bit lately – or maybe it really is something people want to talk about. Whatever the case, the topic inevitably brings up one of the most over misinterpreted and overused passages of Scripture ever penned.

You know the one: It’s about coming along side your brother and helping them through their troubles while being delicate and caring. Oh, you don’t recall that one? What about the passage with wood planks in people’s eyes, hypocrites, and ‘don’t judge.’ Oh, you know that one. Do you realize they’re actually both the same classic passage from Matthew 7?

You see, for so long, our culture has completely twisted and misinterpreted this passage to basically support the idea of complete independence from anyone or anything. We, as Americans, typically don’t like to be told what to do, how to behave, or even be told we are simply wrong. “I’m independent, so don’t you DARE tell me how I’m suppose to live! Don’t judge me! Matthew 7 says so – don’t judge me!”

The crazy thing is that verses 1 and 2 of Matthew 7 really doesn’t say that at all. It doesn’t say ignore the problem, or for you to do your thing and let them do their thing. Instead, it tells us to not judge unless we are willing to be judged by those same standards. This passage isn’t really about “judging” people as we see it in our culture today – pointing out flaws and wrong doings of everyone around you. It’s more about “correcting” people who already believe what you believe – Brothers and Sisters who follow Jesus. It’s saying, “Don’t tell someone not to gossip if you haven’t taken steps to address your own gossiping. Don’t act like you can correct others on an issue you haven’t figured out.”

What people don’t realize is Jesus isn’t against “correcting,” nor is he against us “correcting” each other. In John 7:24 Jesus tells his audience to ‘judge righteously.’ In 1 Corinthians 5:12, Paul tells the followers to judge those inside the church, but to not worry about those outside the church. Being a follower of Jesus BY DEFINITION recognizes that we don’t have it all together and we need help – we NEED correction. We MUST be willing to be judged to follow Jesus. We walk this road together, as one church, correcting each other to look more like Christ. He called out his followers, and he expected them to call out each other.

If the classic American cultural interpretation of ‘not judging at all’ were true, then the next few verses of Matthew 7 wouldn’t make sense. However, it’s the next few verses of Matthew 7 that are truly at the heart of the entire conversation to begin with.

The Heart of The Matter

The problem here isn’t so much that verses 1 and 2 are completely misinterpreted – although that is a problem. The real problem is that verses 3 through 5 are not interpreted AT ALL!

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that Matthew 7 talks about coming along side your brother and working through their problems together with delicate care. With that in mind, re-read verses 3-5 from Matthew 7:

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

After telling the people to be cautious in their judging, Jesus gives us this beautiful analogy that is so often ignored, even in the church! Let’s start looking at this by seeing what is NOT here:

1) Jesus doesn’t say to ignore the speck in the brother’s eye because of your plank. The plank needs to be addressed and removed, and so does the speck. Correction, or “judging,” DOES take place!

2) Jesus doesn’t say to point out their speck and walk away. Who removes the speck from the brother’s eye? The audience! Jesus’ followers! You and I, as followers of Jesus Christ have the responsibility of helping make the correction once we can see clearly to do so. We don’t leave them to do this alone.

3) Most importantly, Jesus doesn’t say to jab out your brother’s eye, or slice their face open to remove the speck. Have you ever removed something from someone’s eye? Do you walk up and jab at it? Would you let a stranger off the street remove something from your eye? It takes a lot of trust for a person to allow you to walk up, put a finger to their eye, and remove a speck that is blurring their vision – trust that isn’t given to a random stranger. It takes a lot of patience and care for you to remove the speck without hurting. Often times our attempts at removing a speck are more like jabs and slashes than they are care and patience.

The first statement I gave is one most people can see and understand. The second one, some people might have a harder time accepting. Yet, the last one really is the heart of the matter, and why this passage is such a hot topic in our culture. This is the REAL problem with judging others.

How much care, patience, compassion, and trust does it take to allow someone to remove something from your eye? Do you think Jesus used this analogy by accident? When was the last time you saw all of these qualities being executed when correction was taking place?

Would you normally have a problem with someone correcting you if you trusted them, they truly cared about you, they were patient, they were delicate, and they walked with you through the process, and they weren’t automatically yelling and screaming at you? I would be HONORED to have someone do this with me! It’s the lack of these qualities being present that makes this topic so huge in our culture!

We, as Christians, are so quick to point out others flaws with anger – and in some cases hatred – that no one wants to hear what we have to say. We don’t walk beside them. We yell, scream, and make sure everyone knows what the tip of our index finger looks like. We don’t exercise love in the discussion, and if there is no love, we’re nothing but clashing symbols. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Of course no one wants to hear what we have to say! Who wants to listen to a bunch of symbols banging away as loud as they can?

And then, of course, there’s the hypocrisy issues that everyone is well aware of, and it doesn’t need to be dissected here. (Side note: Not following Jesus because of the hypocrites that follow him is like not going to the doctor because of all the sick people who are there to see him.) This would also be a non-issue if we could admit to our own shortcomings. Put simply, we need to realize that righteousness is not a synonym for “pride” or “bragging rights.”

We, as Christians, must realize that we are the reason why no one wants to hear about Jesus. If more pastors would preach this, and more church leaders could recognize this, we’d be in a completely different society. It takes love – not this fake, superficial, surface level love, but true, authentic, 1 Corinthians 13 love – to correct someone. It’ll change them, and it’ll change you. Most of all, it’ll solve the real problem with judging.

Agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts?

The Ignorant War On Technology

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As a tech-enthusiast, I’ll admit I’ve become a bit troubled over the last few years regarding the ever-increasing attacks on technology. I’ve listened to technology be blamed for turning our brains to mush, and for destroying our ability to be adequately educated. I’ve seen it be blamed for murders and massacres! I’ve even heard technology be blamed for rape!

Granted, people always complain about how changes in society are destroying us, so why does this one matter so much? Why is it worth writing about now? It’s the a rising belief that there is a new, monumental threat to Christendom that grants the attention of this article. From apologist Josh McDowell to those blatantly against the faith, people have been blaming this new “threat” as the primary decline in Christianity in the West. It’s not militant atheism, or post-modernism, or Islam.

It’s the Internet.

That’s right, the Internet is now the embodiment of evil itself that will destroy our faith from the inside out. Here are the what Josh McDowell had to say about the Internet from the link provided above:

“The Internet has given atheists, agnostics, skeptics, the people who like to destroy everything that you and I believe, the almost equal access to your kids as your youth pastor and you have… whether you like it or not”

NOT THE CHILDREN!

Now, in all seriousness, I have a lot of respect for Josh McDowell. Bethany and I have always been huge fans of apologetics – the study of defending the Gospel through factual and logical discussions – which is what McDowell is primarily known for. Bethany loves the writings of C.S. Lewis, the great apologist of the early 20th century. We both enjoy the works of Ravi Zacharius, one of the best apologists of our time. I could sit and listen to John Lennox for hours if given the chance. These are brilliant men!

The problem I have with this latest argument is there seems to be so much attention being focused on the symptoms, while NO ONE seems to be addressing the problem! There seems to be little “brilliance” behind what McDowell is proposing. There is so little logic here that it borders right on the edge of – dare I say – “ignorance!”

Understanding The Argument

One of the biggest problems I have with this initial argument is the fact that skepticism exists everywhere you turn – whether on the Internet or not. It’s our ability to criticize and question everything – and I do mean EVERYTHING – that has led to our culture’s increase of skepticism. However, I will admit it was the Internet that allowed the sudden increase in sharing ideas that has truly led to skepticism’s recent massive surge. But in the end, what are these ideas? Mere information.

Whether this information is right or wrong is not what’s on trial here. What we need to determine is if the information as a whole is a threat. After all, that is what the Internet provides: Information.

So, is that our fear – that we or our children will experience so much information that faith will be lost? Is our faith so shallow that the fear of experiencing the slightest breeze of doubt will completely uproot our belief as that doubt lightly blows past our eyes or ears? How can we be so afraid of information? It’s mere words!

Understanding the TRUTH of Technology

Are there harmful things out there on the Internet? Absolutely. Some of these “mere words” cast lies of doubt and fear into people’s minds. There are plenty of grotesque images and videos out there that do nothing but pollute the mind. Yet, how is this any different from what is found on cable television, the theaters, or – to a lesser extent – the local library? In all of these venues you’ll find ideas and images that don’t always correlate to Scripture. They all contain information, images, and videos of things that are likely not suitable – or even harmful – for your children.

So what is it about these various forms of technology – Internet, computers, television, books, etc – that truly make them so harmful? I mean, if there is something truly “evil” or “unchristian” in them, we should be able to remove it and allow the rest of it to remain, right? Is it the metal? The wiring? The machine produced circuits and chips? Do Dell or Apple have Satan worshipers in their plants cursing every product being made? Of course not! (Well, Apple might, but I think that’s my own bias slipping in there.) The truth is it’s just stuff! It doesn’t have the ability to be or choose good or evil – it’s stuff!

No, the real problem isn’t the material the technology is made out of, but the content residing within the medium. Yet content creators rarely receive the blame here. That would mean offending someone! That would mean potentially attacking someones “freedom of speech” that should more rightfully be defined as “exploitation!” God forbid we be placed in the uncomfortable position of addressing the problem as residing in a human being – attacking the inanimate technology is much easier!

How can we blame a bundle of wires and circuits for the actions of human beings? Is it so hard for us as humans to take responsibility for our actions that everything wrong with the world must be blamed on STUFF that have no ability to choose their own fate? Do we blame the car for killing people when it’s being driven by a drunk driver? Do we blame highways for the sins that take place in cities? Do we blame Interstate 15 for the gambling and prostitution that occurs in Las Vegas? Of course not! Yet, that is all the Internet is – an expressway to information. It doesn’t decide what is posted on the Web.

Metal can’t choose if it’s turned into an atom bomb. Bricks can’t choose if it becomes a weapon to break glass or the cornerstone to an orphanage. Wires and circuits can’t choose whether or not they display the Bible or pornography. People chose that. People choose what content is made available, and people choose (sometimes accidentally) what they view. They type the site URL or the search criteria, and they press Enter. They interact with digital browsers and search engines made by other people. The technology doesn’t decide any of this – people decide it. People decide to do good or evil – NOT STUFF!

Understanding the TRUTH of Information

Now, it is true that some things, although not evil, are still harmful. That live electrical wire may not be evil, but it’s still harmful for me to touch it! Many of the websites certainly shouldn’t be “touched,” right?

I’m not always so sure.

Are there parts of the world the Gospel shouldn’t be? Are there parts of the digital world that shouldn’t know, see, or hear about the love of Christ? If that “part” of the world forces you to engage in sinful activities, then maybe the answer is yes. We need to reach the PEOPLE, but not engage in the sinful behavior. As the people are changed by Christ, the environment will naturally dissolve away. Yet, we should never annex off the PEOPLE within those environments in the name of “perceived purity!” (See the Good Samaritan.) The same should go for the Internet. Remember that there are people behind these sites. Yet you shouldn’t have participate in the sinful actions in order to reach the people themselves.

Many times, however, we often disagree (correctly or not) with the statements being made on a site, declare the site “harmful” despite any real sinful material, and annex it. The reaction goes back to the fear of skepticism. Is that appropriate behavior? Does disagreement automatically define “mere information” as harmful? Do we do this with other parts of our lives, too – annex people out of our lives who we disagree with? Is that the behavior Jesus took?

Understanding the FAITH

The truth is my faith was not founded on “information.” My faith was founded on a belief and relationship with my God. It was not reading the words of the Bible that saved me, but the BELIEF in those words that brought me to life!

Unlike some others, I see the Internet differently. I don’t see a violent sea of skepticism for me to drown in, but landscape of tools and knowledge to be discovered and used! I see amateurs, like myself, having access to Hebrew and Greek interlinear Bibles! I see the opportunity to learn about those who oppose my faith, understand their mindset, and challenge their ideas.

I see the wealth of knowledge of men who are 20 times smarter than I am on many of these topics appear right at my finger tips. I can watch them debate Dawkins and others who are hostile towards Christianity. I can hear the sincerity in their voices as they answer the tough questions posed by scholars and average people alike. I can learn from them on how to interact with love and kindness towards people who oppose my beliefs.

I can see the images of those hurting around the world, and realize a picture truly is worth more than a thousand words. I can pierce that encapsulating, comfortable Western bubble that we all struggle with and learn what is happening in the world around me. I can be healthily challenged about what it means to help the poor and the hurting.

What wonderful resources to have!

Taking A Stand

You see, it’s the kind of behavior of annexing anything challenging or different that causes Christians to become ignorant and shallow in their walk with Christ. Why are we afraid of information? Are we afraid that they might actually challenge what we believe? Are we afraid we might have an answer to an honest question of doubt someone might have? Are we afraid of actually going deep in our relationship with Christ to find some of these answers?

The Internet is a tool that has been put in the hands of everyone. Thus, everyone can be a creator of information. Is that scary? For some, sure. Not only can this increase skepticism among Christians, but it gives atheists the ability to voice their objections to the faith. Yet, if we want Christianity to be respected in the world around us, we MUST be willing to allow opposing perspectives to exist in the Marketplace of Ideas. We have to be open to hearing and challenging those ideas, no matter how ridiculous they may sound. Then we’ll be ready for it when it “creeps up on us” into mainstream discussions. One hundred years ago, the belief of “Truth does not exist” would have been viciously laughed out of philosophical conversations. Now, this belief is dominating the moral and ethical debates around us, and many Christians don’t know how to address it in a way that doesn’t insult the opposition, causing them to shut down and ignore anything we say. We must be prepared for ANY idea that may challenge our beliefs – that is, after all, the idea behind apologetics.

We must prepare our kids as well. They don’t have to know Systematic Theology before they’re 12, but they should understand why we believe what we believe. They should feel comfortable asking us the hard questions they see online and hear from their friends at school. Josh McDowell was right about one thing in his article: We can’t hide them from this stuff. Even if we block it off at home, they’ll find it on their phones, their friends phones, at school, or anywhere else that happens to be connected. We, as Christian adults, must prepare our kids for these situations so as to ensure our kids aren’t side-swiped by these arguments when the arguments come.

So, is the Christian faith being shattered by the Internet? Well, that depends on how you define “the Christian faith.” If you view “the Christian faith” as an old man with a beard floating on clouds checking off how many times you’ve been good or bad, then Yes it is being shattered. If you define “the Christian faith” as the blind acceptance of a religious teaching without any understanding or reasoning, then Yes it is also being shattered. And praise God for that!

However, if you view “the Christian faith” as a deep, intimate relationship with your Heavenly Father and His son; if you view it as reaching out to those in need, and sharing with them the love of Christ and the hope of the Gospels; if you view Christianity not as a vending machine, but as a way to view, understand, and help the world around you… the Internet is not at ALL shattering the Christian faith, but strengthening it!

We could go on being ignorant and accepting the idea that technology is ruining our culture as we annex off those who embrace it. We can continue to blame it for all our problems while never recognizing the real issues.

Or we could stop the War On Technology. We could accept that it IS changing our culture. We could stop blaming technology for our problems, and actually accept responsibility for our actions. We could prepare our children to use it well. We could recognize technology as a valuable tool, and use it to strengthen our walk with Christ.

In order to do that, however, we would have to stop being ignorant.

The Joys of Mid-Autumn Festival

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Experiencing the holidays is one of the best parts of cultural immersion. How a people group celebrates and remembers tells so much about their beliefs, history, and culture. The Mid-Autumn Festival (中秋节,pinyin: zhōngqiū jié) is one such holiday that has been celebrated in China for well over a thousand years. The story of this holiday differs depending on which part of the country you are in, and who tells, it but it typically involves a warrior who shoots down nine of the ten suns in the sky, an elixir of immortality that his lover is eventually is coerced into drinking, she flies to the moon to stay near her lover, and once a year he sets out fruit and moon cakes (a very popular type of dense bread served in a large, round, disc-like shape).

Although the worship and sacrifices are rarely done, the aspect of thanksgiving for the “harvest,” unity, and family are still celebrated diligently. So, you could easily say, this is the Chinese “Thanksgiving” holiday, and it’s treated with almost as equal importance as “Thanksgiving” is treated in the US. I say “almost” due to so many students sticking around town instead of going home to be with family. Cooking takes place much of the day, and a large feast is eaten around 11:00 at night among the family.

Our partaking in such a festival is not quite as extreme as most citizens, but we did “celebrate” in some regards today with a group of Christian students. In the morning we went to the top of a local hill where we played games, sang, ate lots of fruit and moon cakes, worshiped, and even had a sermon given in Chinese on prayer. Despite my slight cold and Bethany getting a rather bad case of sunburn, the event was a very joyous occasion.

The greatest joy though came from building continued relationships with the students. Although most of these particular students are Christians, it is an honor for us to continue to support, encourage, and – hopefully – in some way strengthen them in their walk. After all, they’re going to be able to relate to other students much more effectively for Christ much better than we can.

Personally, I’ve grown attached to a young man in this group. Although his English is about as poor as my Chinese, as he’s not an English Major, we still seem to have made a kind of bond together. They say that body language is more than 80% of communication, and it’s situations and relationships like these that tell me just how true that really is. As the year goes on, I can find a way to continue to encourage him in his walk with Christ.

Bethany has kept herself quite busy as well with relationships and teaching. The Freshmen have finally started their classes just in time to be interrupted during their first week with the Mid-Autumn Festival. Her new Cultural Movie course has also started up, and will give her a chance to share many different aspect of Western Culture, and with it aspects of her Faith.

The Festival for us closes with our college’s Sports Festival on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Hopefully Bethany’s massive sunburn from today will settle down in time for her to play without any discomfort. Due to gifts from the School, teachers, and the group today, we now have tons of fruit and moon cakes to consume. I’m hoping to share this added joy with more students in the near future before they all go bad!

Here’s to the joy of friends, fun, food, and Christian family! May the thanksgiving and joy of Christ continue to shine through us!

Cultural Differences – Part 5 Formalities

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Over the years, Bethany and I have attended many dinner parties. Some have been casual with friends, and some have been formal. Yet none have been as formal and behaviorally complex as some of the dinners we’ve experienced in China. The thing we’ve come to realize is that a culture as rich and old as the Chinese culture is, the traditions associated with formalities have become quite elaborate, especially for someone growing up in Casual America. The formalities of the Chinese culture are often so elaborate and important that it can be nearly impossible for a Westerner to establish business here if they don’t understand the intricacies of it!

Appreciation

When someone with power does something for you – helps you work through the red tape of setting up your business, helps establish contacts for selling goods, performs a service for you, etc etc – it’s expected that you show appreciation for this action. However, a simple “Thank you.” or a card will simply not due here. At the very least, a gift is in order for the individual/organization. More common though, you’ll host a dinner for the individual, or a group of individuals.

Recently, a local business hired the local TV station to create a commercial for them. Through our Foreign Affairs Officer, I was asked to participate in the commercial – what a really neat experience! After the filming, a dinner took place by the company to thank the crew and station for the commercial that they were paid to do. The Vice President of the TV station attended this dinner! Man, was the dinner good, too – after all, you don’t want to insult your guests with a mediocre meal!

Dinners

All formal dinners occur at round tables, never rectangular. Most round tables can seat between 10 and 30 people. We’re talking BIG round tables! Do they take up more space, absolutely! But it’s not about efficiency, it’s about presentation. You present to your guests the best possible meal you can, and that starts with a big table everyone can be at.

Dinners in China start with the seating. The host will likely instruct you where to sit, with the most important person at the meal sitting in a position that directly faces the door, so as to see each guest that enters. The host will likely sit to the right of the Guest of Honor.

In the West, you often are served meals in an individual manner – food is served to you on a plate designated for you. This is not true in the Chinese culture. Food is served on plates and bowls that are placed in the center of the table. This table center piece spins like a “lazy Susan” kind of fashion, so as all food can be in arms reach of every guest. As the center slowly spins round, you have the chance to pick up the food you desire.

Toasts

One thing that I find very interesting is how big a deal alcohol and toasting are to the Chinese culture. I have experienced more toasts in one Chinese meal than I’ve experienced my entire life COMBINED in America. The more important the meal is, the more alcohol and the more toasting will take place. If it’s a smaller meal among friends or normal colleagues, there likely won’t be as much toasting or drinking. If it’s a business meal among partners, there will be a ton of drinking and toasting!

During the latter, everyone will at some point toast to the host. Many will also toast to the guest of honor if they feel they have some kind of connection with them. This is very important for a guest to show they are pleased and honored to be a guest. The host will often toast with the guest of honor many times during the meal as well. As a result, it is common to leave such an event highly intoxicated. This is actually preferred, as it shows the host you had a good time. So there will likely be one or two individuals at the meal who are designated drivers, and are socially permitted to toast with tea instead.

Networking

Unlike in the States where business cards are only worth the email address and phone number printed on them, business cards in China are prized possession. To receive someone’s business card means that you now networked with that individual. You are welcome to contact them for assistance, or to invite them to YOUR gathering. As a result, you take a business card with both hands as a way to show the host you value the importance of it. This can be a huge step for many people as networking is absolutely crucial to success in China.

This kind of networking is essential to form a strong business. If you want to expand your company to a new city, you’ll need to gain the approval of local authorities just to open shop there – likely through such dinners described above. If you don’t have their approval, they won’t even let you purchase the facilities, let alone open the doors! So, finding favor with important people already in that region is essential to creating success. Having a business associate that can help you through the bureaucratic red tape due to already having presence in the desired area can be a huge step in expanding and finding favor with the local officials.

You want to move up socially to a better job? You’ll need to network with – and gain favor with – people who have the power to help you get those jobs! These jobs don’t go to just anyone who meets the qualifications. This kind of networking often starts with family and classmates. Unlike in the States, your college classmates are people you typically stay in contact with the rest of your life. Families and classmates realize that they are essential to creating success. In this society you won’t be able to move up without relying on them, which is quite different from the West were you are almost completely responsible for your own success.

The reliance this requires often creates a very close-knit society. It also gives you incentive to continue to do well, as your success will likely make others around you look good or bad. If you continue to do well, then you can also continue to count on others who are doing well to give you a boost. Everyone helps everyone else.

Sure, it’s self-motivated helping. But don’t be too quick to place your cultural views upon this society. The culture in China is very different, but it’s not exclusive. It’s simply a way that they take care of family and friends. It very well might make it harder for non-connected people to rise up, but it’s certainly not impossible. There are people who rise up every day. Business people love to meet new individuals, especially those who are willing to work hard, because you never know where a new connection might take you! It’s a formality that encourages the sharing of success.

Closing Remarks

Some of these formalities may seem like “just showing off,” which very well might be true. It’s the West, however, that views “showing off” as a negative thing. Here, it is a sign of hospitality; a sign that I’m trying to give you and show you the best I have to offer. It’s certainly different, but not bad. The difference between “hospitality” and “arrogance” is often only in the cultural perception. In the States, we focus on making our guests “comfortable.” In China, they often focus on making their guests “important.” The differences aren’t wrong, just… different.

It’s through these differences that we begin to more fully understand how to relate to the various cultures. These experiences continue to separate the “good” and “bad” from the “different,” which is vital if we want to relate to those around us. We are constantly reminded throughout our time here that Christ’s love is not bound by cultural preferences, but only by our ability to show it. As we further understand the formalities of China, we create within ourselves new ways to serve and show Christ’s love to the people God has brought us to.

Cultural Differences – Part 4 Family

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An intricate of every society is the family, and China is no different. The family plays an important role in the life of every Chinese citizen. However, the way in which those roles are lived out can be quite different from that of the West. The Chinese recognize this, as well, and often have a difficult time understanding how these roles translate back and forth. As a result, they even have negative stereotypes about our family structure. Although our structures are a little different, it doesn’t change the fact that both societies have a strong love of family.

Background

There are few infrastructures that are more important to the Chinese than the family. This society has a long tradition dating back to Confucius. The well being and strength of the family shows the society how good and moral you were. It shows how good of a citizen you are. Fulfilling the roles in the family shows honor. As a result, it’s the centerpiece of the society itself!

Early Childhood

From a very early age, you are surrounded by many people in your life that take care of you. However, the mother and father are not always as involved in the child’s life as they are in the West. Sure, they are there and certainly take care of the child, but their main role in a Chinese family at this point is to work hard, makes lots of money, and save Save SAVE! As a result, the grandparents often take an important role in the raising and teaching of young children.

Often times, the father’s mother will move close, or move in, to show the wife how to raise the child and assist with most of the daily tasks. Since families often start much later here than in the West, the grandparents are typically retired when the baby comes along. The high involvement in raising the grandchild is typically seen as a great joy.

A side note here: Diapers don’t exist in China in pretty much any way, shape, or form. It is considered a great part of intimacy for a mother to KNOW when her child needs to potty at the earliest of age, and help them do so. Thus, nearly all young children’s clothing have split-bottoms in them for quick access. It’s common to walk down the sidewalk and see a child doing their duty right there on the side of the road, on the steps, or in the middle of the sidewalk itself, with the mother or grandmother holding them, or waiting patiently right next to them.

Childhood/School

Just as in the West, education is highly valued by all. As such, children are put into “kindergarten” (the equivalent of the US Preschool) as early as possible, assuming you have the money to do so. Many children will spend two to three years in these “kindergartens” learning the basics – including the basics of English – before starting Primary School. Just like in the US, these early childhood schools are private institutions and can cost quite a bit of money. Typically, the child will be here from about 7:30am until lunch break around 11:30pm, and then come back after lunch around 2pm until 5pm.

Primary school is quite similar to kindergarten in its structure, although many students are sent away to other cities for primary school. Big cities are often equated with bigger and better schools for children as those schools can pay for better teachers. Wealthy families will buy a second home in a big city, while other students will live with a relative in said big city to attend the better schools. That doesn’t mean that there are no good schools in small cities, but it does mean that the education system is EXTREMELY competitive.

Education treasured above almost all else in families, and they’ll do nearly ANYTHING to ensure their child gets the BEST education possible. It’s common for students to spend all day in their courses, and then have private tutoring sessions in the evening. Unlike in the States, private tutoring is not reserved for students who need to be “caught up,” but instead is a very pricey session to help your child get and stay ahead of everyone else. Much of the time out of the classroom – holidays included – are spent with private tutors. From a western perspective, Bethany and I often worry that the children aren’t given time to be children, but we try not to let our cultural bias color the situation.

Junior and Senior High school is very different than in the States, as it is at this age that the children will move into dorms on the school campus. It looks much the same way colleges are run, but with more students sleeping in larger rooms – usually 4-6 students in a room. For the most part, the students are on their own. It’s quite common to see children take the buses and taxis, shop, and eat out without any adults around.

Much of this is due to the fact that students from the countryside villages will also be coming into the nearest cities for this level of education, so they stretch the dorm settings to all students. Typically junior and senior high are seen as one combined level of schooling – “Middle School” – as it’s expected and desired that all students will go to college, even though many won’t.

Many students will still visit their families on the weekends, but for the most part, they are basically living on their own at this point. The family gives them money to live on, and the teachers and other staff keep an eye on them. Studies are still rigorous with some courses taking place as 6pm, 7pm, or even 8pm, although these late courses aren’t as common.

College

The life of a college student doesn’t seem to be too different from that of a Jr/Sr High school student. There is still a heavy reliance on parents for financial support, and lots of studying. Most students are even restricted from holding jobs while in College. Curfews are still in effect at this point as well.

It’s usually in College that students actually start dating. Before this point, it’s typically taboo, and even forbidden in some cases. In the past, most women are very careful about who they date, ensuring that the man comes from equal or higher socioeconomic background. This feeling is changing a little, but it’s still important.

Post-College

Up until now, the parents have been supporting the child financially through school, but it doesn’t stop there. Many parents have still been trying to save up money to help their child get a good job. Although it’s not really talked about much, it’s still pretty common to pay an employer to hire your child.

If your child is a son, then you’ll also want to help them buy a flat shortly after college. This is very important for them to find a wife. Women in China want a man that has a purchased home and will make lots of money, so this is vital if you want your son to find a wife in a country where single girls can be a little more scarce in some areas of the country than others.

Adulthood

Most people get married around the ages of 28 to 30, a bit later than most people in Kentucky. There typically isn’t anyone getting married after this point, as everyone wants to be married as quickly as possible by this point. Our friend recently summed it up pretty well for us: “If you reach 35 and can’t find the right person, then find the wrong person! Just get married!”

Married couples typically attempt to have their one child – or first child if they are in a minority group as minority groups are not as heavily subjected to the “One Child Policy” – pretty early on in their marriage, just like in any country. It’s been tradition for the husband’s mother to move in at this point and help out around the house, especially with raising the new child and teaching the young wife how to manage the house. However, this is changing in China as the younger generations are becoming more independent. Nowadays, the husband’s mother will get an apartment very close by the young married couple so as to be readily available when needed.

There are currently two differing views regarding the family in China. The first view says the parents need to work as much as humanly possible to make as much money as possible to provide for the family. The grandparent(s) will therefore take a large amount of the responsibility in raising the child.

The second view says that working hard is good, but you need to spend time with your child as well. Sometimes these two views can be found in conflict in the same home. I personally support the latter, but I also understand the reasoning for the former as it takes so much to raise a child in this country.

During the holidays, it is important that the couple visits the husband’s parents for several days. If the holiday is long enough, and/or the wife’s parents are close enough, then they will also visit the wife’s parents for a few days as well, but it’s typically not as common. The latter is relatively new to the society, and seen as a luxuary.

Stereotypes on Americans

As we have learned about the differences in families, we have also learned about various stereotypes that exist in China towards Americans. One of the big ones is that we don’t love our elderly due to the large number that are in nursing homes. You see, as grandparents get older in China, it’s often expected that their child will take care of them. Sometimes, this means moving in with the child and spouse. Sometimes this means hiring a nurse to stay with the grandparent in their home by day. The concept of the western nursing home is often viewed as cruel and neglectful by the Chinese.

Many also believe that Western grandparents don’t love their grandchildren because they won’t quit their jobs to take care of the grandchildren full-time. It’s interesting, and difficult to explain this cultural difference in a way they understand.

The Chinese also misunderstand the American teenage desire for independence as lack of care of our children. The fact that so many are on our own by the age of 18 is completely… “foreign” to them, as children here are relying on their parents through their 20s. The parents in China typically take great joy in caring for their children through these early years of adulthood to ensure a secure future. After all, your children are your retirement!

 

While the traditional view of family is still dominant in China, Western influence of independence has begun to have a great impact on the society here. I don’t see many of the family traditions fading away for several centuries, but the impact is still visible. We see much of the younger generations taking on more independent roles in their own small ways. It’ll be interesting to see how these changes begin to shape China’s future!